So, I'm down .6 of a pound this morning. I'll take it.
I read The Gabriel Method again yesterday. I got a lot out of it the second time through. I wrote out some personal notes as I read. I knew I was an emotional eater and such, but wow. Once I started writing stuff out on paper, I saw that I have MANY more negative thoughts and beliefs about myself, my life and about losing weight than I realized. I AM holding myself back. I do beat the shit out of myself mentally. I DO have a silent war with food going on. I am so abusive to myself. I am a champion perfectionist. I have mastered self flaggelation.
It's no wonder my body rebels. I need to let go.
No wonder I strive to be holistic. The allure of becoming that zen person. I love Massage Therapy. I love Reiki. I crave to be that healthy, calm, balanced woman that takes care of others. I practice these daily, for other people. Do I do enough for myself? NO. Why? Because of the lack of self acceptance. The lack of self love and respect. I really don't think that I'm deserving. I really don't like myself, let alone love myself enough to let it happen.
But I do it for others. I have put myself through so much for others. I've been a Gestational surrogate for 4 infertile couples. I've carried and birthed 3 babies,(for others)a twin pregnancy and a singleton. I helped complete 2 families! I brought children into this world that wouldn't have been here otherwise.
Through these couples I relished their respect and appreciation of me. I felt good. Worthy. Loved. A good person. If others tell that I am wonderful, special etc, then I accept it. I will believe it.
I will do so much to have that validation.
WHY don't I believe it inside? Why don't I?
I'm going to have to work on that.
I believe this is the root of my weight issues.
Gym report later.
Well, my attention span was short today. I couldn't sit still. So, I went with the flow.
20 minutes Recumbent Bike
3.15 miles
110 calories
11 minutes Stepmill (soooo hard for me)
25 floors climbed or .53 mile
92 calories
15 minutes Recumbent Bike (back to the bike)
3.06 miles
94 calories
10 minutes Elliptical
1.28 miles
82 calories
Avg Speed 57 (114 RPM)
Total
56 minutes
8.02 miles
378 calories
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Sounds like you're having some serious breakthrough moments. Get real with yourself D; the rest will follow. That's what I'm trying to do every single day, one day at a time. *big big hugs*
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