Sigh. I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks 3 days. It's been a really stressful couple of weeks.
High point- Celebrated our 12 year anniversary! I love my husband to bits.
Low, really low point. My husband and I rarely drink. (maybe once or twice a year)
My husband's brother is an alcoholic. He attends AA meetings, but is still struggling with drinking and still does quite frequently.
On Memorial Day he drank and drove and hit 2 other cars. 3 people were injured. 2 people died, 1 is in critical condition.
He's being held in jail without bond right now and probably will be for a long, long time. The past 7 days has been surreal and devastating.
Also, 2 weeks ago I started seeing a Psychologist (before the accident happened, TG I have someone I can talk to) and also a Psychiatrist (for the meds part)
This is the first time I've ever attended counselling, so it's a little unnerving. Not sure if I like it just yet. I've had 2 sessions with the psychologist, and 1 with the psychiatrist. The psychologist is also setting me up with a nutrition counsellor. Don't know when I start that, but that should be interesting.
Another high point- My 16yo passed her road test and got her driver's license a week ago. That was a great day, and a big accomplishment. It also has me a little edgy/nervous this past week. I feel worried every time she leaves alone in the car, yet proud of her at the same time.
Low point- overpaid bills and money spent on some frivoulous things and end up in the negative in the bank. This rarely ever happens. Ended up only being about $80 in actual funds in the negative, but it was a bunch of small stuff, and got hit with $180 in multiple overdraft fees of $30 each. So, now we're $260 in the negative. Fraek out. My husband is going to call the bank this morning to see if they will reverse some of the charges. Stress running high from that.
High point- Watching our beloved Red Wings win the first 2 home games of the Stanley Cup finals! Go Wings!
No time to check spelling errors.
Going to go to the gym today.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Day? 225.6
My weight is right back to where I started. Really struggling for the past week.
Don't want to type much else right now, but I wanted to at least honor my promise to myself to keep track, be honest and not completely give up again.
By putting this put there, I am at least accomplishing one thing that is hard for me to do.
Haven't excercised for 5 days. Today I will go to the gym. Update later.
Don't want to type much else right now, but I wanted to at least honor my promise to myself to keep track, be honest and not completely give up again.
By putting this put there, I am at least accomplishing one thing that is hard for me to do.
Haven't excercised for 5 days. Today I will go to the gym. Update later.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Day 19 - 220.2
Down again this morning.
I may take the day off from the gym. We'll see how I feel later. Right now I'm feeling tired.
*******************************************
1pm update. Still haven't gone to the gym. Still haven't made a decision if I'm going to go or not. I took both last Sat and Sun off from going. So, it's only been 3 days since my last day off. I really should go. Maybe just a 30 or 40 minute workout today. 60 minutes feels like an eternity today.
Also, I put my scale away today. The Gabriel Method recommends this. I've always weighed myself every day. This concept is hard for me to commit to. I've always believed that the scale keeps me honest. I've noticed lately that when I'm up in weight, I want to give up on this whole process. I want to see a weight loss EVERY DAY after I put in the effort. I didn't used to be like that. I'd take the number on the scale each morning as information. Nothing more.
Somehow I can't seem to do that anymore. It's messing with my mind now. I'm just looking for a reason to give up. Looking for a reason to binge. Looking for validation that I'm not going to succeed.
So, I put the scale away. Into the laundry room, under a table in the far corner with some stored massage supplies.
I'm still trying to decide when I should step on it again.
I may take the day off from the gym. We'll see how I feel later. Right now I'm feeling tired.
*******************************************
1pm update. Still haven't gone to the gym. Still haven't made a decision if I'm going to go or not. I took both last Sat and Sun off from going. So, it's only been 3 days since my last day off. I really should go. Maybe just a 30 or 40 minute workout today. 60 minutes feels like an eternity today.
Also, I put my scale away today. The Gabriel Method recommends this. I've always weighed myself every day. This concept is hard for me to commit to. I've always believed that the scale keeps me honest. I've noticed lately that when I'm up in weight, I want to give up on this whole process. I want to see a weight loss EVERY DAY after I put in the effort. I didn't used to be like that. I'd take the number on the scale each morning as information. Nothing more.
Somehow I can't seem to do that anymore. It's messing with my mind now. I'm just looking for a reason to give up. Looking for a reason to binge. Looking for validation that I'm not going to succeed.
So, I put the scale away. Into the laundry room, under a table in the far corner with some stored massage supplies.
I'm still trying to decide when I should step on it again.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Day 18 - 221.0
So, I'm down .6 of a pound this morning. I'll take it.
I read The Gabriel Method again yesterday. I got a lot out of it the second time through. I wrote out some personal notes as I read. I knew I was an emotional eater and such, but wow. Once I started writing stuff out on paper, I saw that I have MANY more negative thoughts and beliefs about myself, my life and about losing weight than I realized. I AM holding myself back. I do beat the shit out of myself mentally. I DO have a silent war with food going on. I am so abusive to myself. I am a champion perfectionist. I have mastered self flaggelation.
It's no wonder my body rebels. I need to let go.
No wonder I strive to be holistic. The allure of becoming that zen person. I love Massage Therapy. I love Reiki. I crave to be that healthy, calm, balanced woman that takes care of others. I practice these daily, for other people. Do I do enough for myself? NO. Why? Because of the lack of self acceptance. The lack of self love and respect. I really don't think that I'm deserving. I really don't like myself, let alone love myself enough to let it happen.
But I do it for others. I have put myself through so much for others. I've been a Gestational surrogate for 4 infertile couples. I've carried and birthed 3 babies,(for others)a twin pregnancy and a singleton. I helped complete 2 families! I brought children into this world that wouldn't have been here otherwise.
Through these couples I relished their respect and appreciation of me. I felt good. Worthy. Loved. A good person. If others tell that I am wonderful, special etc, then I accept it. I will believe it.
I will do so much to have that validation.
WHY don't I believe it inside? Why don't I?
I'm going to have to work on that.
I believe this is the root of my weight issues.
Gym report later.
Well, my attention span was short today. I couldn't sit still. So, I went with the flow.
20 minutes Recumbent Bike
3.15 miles
110 calories
11 minutes Stepmill (soooo hard for me)
25 floors climbed or .53 mile
92 calories
15 minutes Recumbent Bike (back to the bike)
3.06 miles
94 calories
10 minutes Elliptical
1.28 miles
82 calories
Avg Speed 57 (114 RPM)
Total
56 minutes
8.02 miles
378 calories
I read The Gabriel Method again yesterday. I got a lot out of it the second time through. I wrote out some personal notes as I read. I knew I was an emotional eater and such, but wow. Once I started writing stuff out on paper, I saw that I have MANY more negative thoughts and beliefs about myself, my life and about losing weight than I realized. I AM holding myself back. I do beat the shit out of myself mentally. I DO have a silent war with food going on. I am so abusive to myself. I am a champion perfectionist. I have mastered self flaggelation.
It's no wonder my body rebels. I need to let go.
No wonder I strive to be holistic. The allure of becoming that zen person. I love Massage Therapy. I love Reiki. I crave to be that healthy, calm, balanced woman that takes care of others. I practice these daily, for other people. Do I do enough for myself? NO. Why? Because of the lack of self acceptance. The lack of self love and respect. I really don't think that I'm deserving. I really don't like myself, let alone love myself enough to let it happen.
But I do it for others. I have put myself through so much for others. I've been a Gestational surrogate for 4 infertile couples. I've carried and birthed 3 babies,(for others)a twin pregnancy and a singleton. I helped complete 2 families! I brought children into this world that wouldn't have been here otherwise.
Through these couples I relished their respect and appreciation of me. I felt good. Worthy. Loved. A good person. If others tell that I am wonderful, special etc, then I accept it. I will believe it.
I will do so much to have that validation.
WHY don't I believe it inside? Why don't I?
I'm going to have to work on that.
I believe this is the root of my weight issues.
Gym report later.
Well, my attention span was short today. I couldn't sit still. So, I went with the flow.
20 minutes Recumbent Bike
3.15 miles
110 calories
11 minutes Stepmill (soooo hard for me)
25 floors climbed or .53 mile
92 calories
15 minutes Recumbent Bike (back to the bike)
3.06 miles
94 calories
10 minutes Elliptical
1.28 miles
82 calories
Avg Speed 57 (114 RPM)
Total
56 minutes
8.02 miles
378 calories
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Day 17 - 221.6
Morning weight. 221.6
Will post workout after the gym.
I'm back from the gym. I pushed myself hard. My shirt and bra are soaked through with sweat. I could wring them out. I feel kinda pukey. Just like the contestants on BL. I only plan on pushing myself that hard once a week. Cause it isn't any fun. I want to enjoy my workouts so I stay doing them.
(although I do feel powerful!)
64 minutes Elliptical
9.60 miles
525 calories
Avg speed 59
RPMs 120-140
High HR 92%
Will post workout after the gym.
I'm back from the gym. I pushed myself hard. My shirt and bra are soaked through with sweat. I could wring them out. I feel kinda pukey. Just like the contestants on BL. I only plan on pushing myself that hard once a week. Cause it isn't any fun. I want to enjoy my workouts so I stay doing them.
(although I do feel powerful!)
64 minutes Elliptical
9.60 miles
525 calories
Avg speed 59
RPMs 120-140
High HR 92%
Monday, May 11, 2009
Day 16 - 222.6
Ok. Back to the grindstone. Had a few "off" days, and I'm feeling like throwing in the towel.
But, that's what I always do, don't I? And, It's never gotten me anywhere before has it? Do what you've always done, get what you've always got. Right?
So, I just got off the scale, and saw that I'm up another 2 pounds. It's no wonder. After all, I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I had 2 hot dogs and chips for lunch yesterday. (after the pancake breakfast)
Then, for dinner I had grilled chicken (good chooice) and 2 big helpings of cheesy potatoes (not a good choice) and corn with butter and salt (so-so choice) and a drumstick ice cream cone for dessert. (not a good choice)
Stepping off the scale I caught myself saying Fuck It! I wanted to stop. The thought of reporting another gain, another day of poor choices and another day without exercise was embarrassing to me.
But just as quick, I caught myself. I told myself that this will not stop me. Do what you've always done (give up when it gets hard or I backslide) and I'll get what I've always got. (stay overweight, stay depressed, beat myself up)
And, It's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS TIME.
I choose to focus on the fact that I have exercised 12 out the last 15 days! YES!
Have lost 3 pounds! YES!
Have been listening to my visualization CD fairly regularly! YES!
Have bought 2 health/wellbeing/diet books and have read 1 and skimmed the other. YES!
Have been doing Reiki on myself and others more in the last 2 weeks. YES!
Have chosen to eat an apple, granola bar, baked almonds from my purse, on a few occasions instead of hitting a drive though while hungry and in the car. YES!
I have been thinking about myself and taking more time for myself. YES!
Started my first day at a new job with a major hospital downtown. Made a HUGE, POSITIVE employer change in my career field, (massage therapy) and I love it! YES!
Have continued to journal my progress for myself and others to see, good or bad. YES!
I am on the right path. I will stay on this path. I will NOT give up on myself. I am WORTH IT, and this time, I will not stop.
Heading to the gym at 10am. Report later.
Here's the gym results. :)
65 minutes Recumbent Bike
13.38 miles
400 calories
Levels 5-12 (sprints)
But, that's what I always do, don't I? And, It's never gotten me anywhere before has it? Do what you've always done, get what you've always got. Right?
So, I just got off the scale, and saw that I'm up another 2 pounds. It's no wonder. After all, I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I had 2 hot dogs and chips for lunch yesterday. (after the pancake breakfast)
Then, for dinner I had grilled chicken (good chooice) and 2 big helpings of cheesy potatoes (not a good choice) and corn with butter and salt (so-so choice) and a drumstick ice cream cone for dessert. (not a good choice)
Stepping off the scale I caught myself saying Fuck It! I wanted to stop. The thought of reporting another gain, another day of poor choices and another day without exercise was embarrassing to me.
But just as quick, I caught myself. I told myself that this will not stop me. Do what you've always done (give up when it gets hard or I backslide) and I'll get what I've always got. (stay overweight, stay depressed, beat myself up)
And, It's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS TIME.
I choose to focus on the fact that I have exercised 12 out the last 15 days! YES!
Have lost 3 pounds! YES!
Have been listening to my visualization CD fairly regularly! YES!
Have bought 2 health/wellbeing/diet books and have read 1 and skimmed the other. YES!
Have been doing Reiki on myself and others more in the last 2 weeks. YES!
Have chosen to eat an apple, granola bar, baked almonds from my purse, on a few occasions instead of hitting a drive though while hungry and in the car. YES!
I have been thinking about myself and taking more time for myself. YES!
Started my first day at a new job with a major hospital downtown. Made a HUGE, POSITIVE employer change in my career field, (massage therapy) and I love it! YES!
Have continued to journal my progress for myself and others to see, good or bad. YES!
I am on the right path. I will stay on this path. I will NOT give up on myself. I am WORTH IT, and this time, I will not stop.
Heading to the gym at 10am. Report later.
Here's the gym results. :)
65 minutes Recumbent Bike
13.38 miles
400 calories
Levels 5-12 (sprints)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Day 15 - 220.4
Feeling so discouraged today.
I'm up on the scale, and I'm pissed at myself. Had Red R()b1n yesterday for dinner. Ate all of my burger and fries. Lordy. That was a dumb mistake. Then, this morning for breakfast, my 11 yo son proudly cooked me 2 decent sized pancakes with butter and syrup. His first time cooking pancakes by himself. He was so proud to make them for me on Mother's Day, all by himself. And I ate them both. And they were delicious.
Sigh.
I'm going to the gym later, bringing my 16yo daughter with me. Will post workout this afternoon.
I'm up on the scale, and I'm pissed at myself. Had Red R()b1n yesterday for dinner. Ate all of my burger and fries. Lordy. That was a dumb mistake. Then, this morning for breakfast, my 11 yo son proudly cooked me 2 decent sized pancakes with butter and syrup. His first time cooking pancakes by himself. He was so proud to make them for me on Mother's Day, all by himself. And I ate them both. And they were delicious.
Sigh.
I'm going to the gym later, bringing my 16yo daughter with me. Will post workout this afternoon.
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