My weight is right back to where I started. Really struggling for the past week.
Don't want to type much else right now, but I wanted to at least honor my promise to myself to keep track, be honest and not completely give up again.
By putting this put there, I am at least accomplishing one thing that is hard for me to do.
Haven't excercised for 5 days. Today I will go to the gym. Update later.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Day 19 - 220.2
Down again this morning.
I may take the day off from the gym. We'll see how I feel later. Right now I'm feeling tired.
*******************************************
1pm update. Still haven't gone to the gym. Still haven't made a decision if I'm going to go or not. I took both last Sat and Sun off from going. So, it's only been 3 days since my last day off. I really should go. Maybe just a 30 or 40 minute workout today. 60 minutes feels like an eternity today.
Also, I put my scale away today. The Gabriel Method recommends this. I've always weighed myself every day. This concept is hard for me to commit to. I've always believed that the scale keeps me honest. I've noticed lately that when I'm up in weight, I want to give up on this whole process. I want to see a weight loss EVERY DAY after I put in the effort. I didn't used to be like that. I'd take the number on the scale each morning as information. Nothing more.
Somehow I can't seem to do that anymore. It's messing with my mind now. I'm just looking for a reason to give up. Looking for a reason to binge. Looking for validation that I'm not going to succeed.
So, I put the scale away. Into the laundry room, under a table in the far corner with some stored massage supplies.
I'm still trying to decide when I should step on it again.
I may take the day off from the gym. We'll see how I feel later. Right now I'm feeling tired.
*******************************************
1pm update. Still haven't gone to the gym. Still haven't made a decision if I'm going to go or not. I took both last Sat and Sun off from going. So, it's only been 3 days since my last day off. I really should go. Maybe just a 30 or 40 minute workout today. 60 minutes feels like an eternity today.
Also, I put my scale away today. The Gabriel Method recommends this. I've always weighed myself every day. This concept is hard for me to commit to. I've always believed that the scale keeps me honest. I've noticed lately that when I'm up in weight, I want to give up on this whole process. I want to see a weight loss EVERY DAY after I put in the effort. I didn't used to be like that. I'd take the number on the scale each morning as information. Nothing more.
Somehow I can't seem to do that anymore. It's messing with my mind now. I'm just looking for a reason to give up. Looking for a reason to binge. Looking for validation that I'm not going to succeed.
So, I put the scale away. Into the laundry room, under a table in the far corner with some stored massage supplies.
I'm still trying to decide when I should step on it again.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Day 18 - 221.0
So, I'm down .6 of a pound this morning. I'll take it.
I read The Gabriel Method again yesterday. I got a lot out of it the second time through. I wrote out some personal notes as I read. I knew I was an emotional eater and such, but wow. Once I started writing stuff out on paper, I saw that I have MANY more negative thoughts and beliefs about myself, my life and about losing weight than I realized. I AM holding myself back. I do beat the shit out of myself mentally. I DO have a silent war with food going on. I am so abusive to myself. I am a champion perfectionist. I have mastered self flaggelation.
It's no wonder my body rebels. I need to let go.
No wonder I strive to be holistic. The allure of becoming that zen person. I love Massage Therapy. I love Reiki. I crave to be that healthy, calm, balanced woman that takes care of others. I practice these daily, for other people. Do I do enough for myself? NO. Why? Because of the lack of self acceptance. The lack of self love and respect. I really don't think that I'm deserving. I really don't like myself, let alone love myself enough to let it happen.
But I do it for others. I have put myself through so much for others. I've been a Gestational surrogate for 4 infertile couples. I've carried and birthed 3 babies,(for others)a twin pregnancy and a singleton. I helped complete 2 families! I brought children into this world that wouldn't have been here otherwise.
Through these couples I relished their respect and appreciation of me. I felt good. Worthy. Loved. A good person. If others tell that I am wonderful, special etc, then I accept it. I will believe it.
I will do so much to have that validation.
WHY don't I believe it inside? Why don't I?
I'm going to have to work on that.
I believe this is the root of my weight issues.
Gym report later.
Well, my attention span was short today. I couldn't sit still. So, I went with the flow.
20 minutes Recumbent Bike
3.15 miles
110 calories
11 minutes Stepmill (soooo hard for me)
25 floors climbed or .53 mile
92 calories
15 minutes Recumbent Bike (back to the bike)
3.06 miles
94 calories
10 minutes Elliptical
1.28 miles
82 calories
Avg Speed 57 (114 RPM)
Total
56 minutes
8.02 miles
378 calories
I read The Gabriel Method again yesterday. I got a lot out of it the second time through. I wrote out some personal notes as I read. I knew I was an emotional eater and such, but wow. Once I started writing stuff out on paper, I saw that I have MANY more negative thoughts and beliefs about myself, my life and about losing weight than I realized. I AM holding myself back. I do beat the shit out of myself mentally. I DO have a silent war with food going on. I am so abusive to myself. I am a champion perfectionist. I have mastered self flaggelation.
It's no wonder my body rebels. I need to let go.
No wonder I strive to be holistic. The allure of becoming that zen person. I love Massage Therapy. I love Reiki. I crave to be that healthy, calm, balanced woman that takes care of others. I practice these daily, for other people. Do I do enough for myself? NO. Why? Because of the lack of self acceptance. The lack of self love and respect. I really don't think that I'm deserving. I really don't like myself, let alone love myself enough to let it happen.
But I do it for others. I have put myself through so much for others. I've been a Gestational surrogate for 4 infertile couples. I've carried and birthed 3 babies,(for others)a twin pregnancy and a singleton. I helped complete 2 families! I brought children into this world that wouldn't have been here otherwise.
Through these couples I relished their respect and appreciation of me. I felt good. Worthy. Loved. A good person. If others tell that I am wonderful, special etc, then I accept it. I will believe it.
I will do so much to have that validation.
WHY don't I believe it inside? Why don't I?
I'm going to have to work on that.
I believe this is the root of my weight issues.
Gym report later.
Well, my attention span was short today. I couldn't sit still. So, I went with the flow.
20 minutes Recumbent Bike
3.15 miles
110 calories
11 minutes Stepmill (soooo hard for me)
25 floors climbed or .53 mile
92 calories
15 minutes Recumbent Bike (back to the bike)
3.06 miles
94 calories
10 minutes Elliptical
1.28 miles
82 calories
Avg Speed 57 (114 RPM)
Total
56 minutes
8.02 miles
378 calories
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Day 17 - 221.6
Morning weight. 221.6
Will post workout after the gym.
I'm back from the gym. I pushed myself hard. My shirt and bra are soaked through with sweat. I could wring them out. I feel kinda pukey. Just like the contestants on BL. I only plan on pushing myself that hard once a week. Cause it isn't any fun. I want to enjoy my workouts so I stay doing them.
(although I do feel powerful!)
64 minutes Elliptical
9.60 miles
525 calories
Avg speed 59
RPMs 120-140
High HR 92%
Will post workout after the gym.
I'm back from the gym. I pushed myself hard. My shirt and bra are soaked through with sweat. I could wring them out. I feel kinda pukey. Just like the contestants on BL. I only plan on pushing myself that hard once a week. Cause it isn't any fun. I want to enjoy my workouts so I stay doing them.
(although I do feel powerful!)
64 minutes Elliptical
9.60 miles
525 calories
Avg speed 59
RPMs 120-140
High HR 92%
Monday, May 11, 2009
Day 16 - 222.6
Ok. Back to the grindstone. Had a few "off" days, and I'm feeling like throwing in the towel.
But, that's what I always do, don't I? And, It's never gotten me anywhere before has it? Do what you've always done, get what you've always got. Right?
So, I just got off the scale, and saw that I'm up another 2 pounds. It's no wonder. After all, I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I had 2 hot dogs and chips for lunch yesterday. (after the pancake breakfast)
Then, for dinner I had grilled chicken (good chooice) and 2 big helpings of cheesy potatoes (not a good choice) and corn with butter and salt (so-so choice) and a drumstick ice cream cone for dessert. (not a good choice)
Stepping off the scale I caught myself saying Fuck It! I wanted to stop. The thought of reporting another gain, another day of poor choices and another day without exercise was embarrassing to me.
But just as quick, I caught myself. I told myself that this will not stop me. Do what you've always done (give up when it gets hard or I backslide) and I'll get what I've always got. (stay overweight, stay depressed, beat myself up)
And, It's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS TIME.
I choose to focus on the fact that I have exercised 12 out the last 15 days! YES!
Have lost 3 pounds! YES!
Have been listening to my visualization CD fairly regularly! YES!
Have bought 2 health/wellbeing/diet books and have read 1 and skimmed the other. YES!
Have been doing Reiki on myself and others more in the last 2 weeks. YES!
Have chosen to eat an apple, granola bar, baked almonds from my purse, on a few occasions instead of hitting a drive though while hungry and in the car. YES!
I have been thinking about myself and taking more time for myself. YES!
Started my first day at a new job with a major hospital downtown. Made a HUGE, POSITIVE employer change in my career field, (massage therapy) and I love it! YES!
Have continued to journal my progress for myself and others to see, good or bad. YES!
I am on the right path. I will stay on this path. I will NOT give up on myself. I am WORTH IT, and this time, I will not stop.
Heading to the gym at 10am. Report later.
Here's the gym results. :)
65 minutes Recumbent Bike
13.38 miles
400 calories
Levels 5-12 (sprints)
But, that's what I always do, don't I? And, It's never gotten me anywhere before has it? Do what you've always done, get what you've always got. Right?
So, I just got off the scale, and saw that I'm up another 2 pounds. It's no wonder. After all, I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I had 2 hot dogs and chips for lunch yesterday. (after the pancake breakfast)
Then, for dinner I had grilled chicken (good chooice) and 2 big helpings of cheesy potatoes (not a good choice) and corn with butter and salt (so-so choice) and a drumstick ice cream cone for dessert. (not a good choice)
Stepping off the scale I caught myself saying Fuck It! I wanted to stop. The thought of reporting another gain, another day of poor choices and another day without exercise was embarrassing to me.
But just as quick, I caught myself. I told myself that this will not stop me. Do what you've always done (give up when it gets hard or I backslide) and I'll get what I've always got. (stay overweight, stay depressed, beat myself up)
And, It's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THIS TIME.
I choose to focus on the fact that I have exercised 12 out the last 15 days! YES!
Have lost 3 pounds! YES!
Have been listening to my visualization CD fairly regularly! YES!
Have bought 2 health/wellbeing/diet books and have read 1 and skimmed the other. YES!
Have been doing Reiki on myself and others more in the last 2 weeks. YES!
Have chosen to eat an apple, granola bar, baked almonds from my purse, on a few occasions instead of hitting a drive though while hungry and in the car. YES!
I have been thinking about myself and taking more time for myself. YES!
Started my first day at a new job with a major hospital downtown. Made a HUGE, POSITIVE employer change in my career field, (massage therapy) and I love it! YES!
Have continued to journal my progress for myself and others to see, good or bad. YES!
I am on the right path. I will stay on this path. I will NOT give up on myself. I am WORTH IT, and this time, I will not stop.
Heading to the gym at 10am. Report later.
Here's the gym results. :)
65 minutes Recumbent Bike
13.38 miles
400 calories
Levels 5-12 (sprints)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Day 15 - 220.4
Feeling so discouraged today.
I'm up on the scale, and I'm pissed at myself. Had Red R()b1n yesterday for dinner. Ate all of my burger and fries. Lordy. That was a dumb mistake. Then, this morning for breakfast, my 11 yo son proudly cooked me 2 decent sized pancakes with butter and syrup. His first time cooking pancakes by himself. He was so proud to make them for me on Mother's Day, all by himself. And I ate them both. And they were delicious.
Sigh.
I'm going to the gym later, bringing my 16yo daughter with me. Will post workout this afternoon.
I'm up on the scale, and I'm pissed at myself. Had Red R()b1n yesterday for dinner. Ate all of my burger and fries. Lordy. That was a dumb mistake. Then, this morning for breakfast, my 11 yo son proudly cooked me 2 decent sized pancakes with butter and syrup. His first time cooking pancakes by himself. He was so proud to make them for me on Mother's Day, all by himself. And I ate them both. And they were delicious.
Sigh.
I'm going to the gym later, bringing my 16yo daughter with me. Will post workout this afternoon.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Day 13 - 218.4
Down again this morning. What a wonderful feeling.
Had a wonderful Reiki session yesterday. 1 hour long, worked on myself and a friend. (Jersey Girl) It was so relaxing , balancing and loving. I'm going to try to do Reiki at least 20 minutes a day minimum. It is the perfect "me" time. Combined with the gym and making better food choices, I feel so much more centered than I have in a long while. The switch that my brain needs to get healthy stays on when I put myself first.
Will post workout after the gym.
Got to the gym late, had to leave to pick up son from school. Stayed till the very last minute that I could. Biked my ass off.
32 minutes Recumbent bike
7.42 miles
200 calories
RPM 56
I took my before pictures today. I wish I would have taken them 13 days ago when I weighed 225+. Maybe I would have seen a small positive change.
I've been feeling smaller lately, feeling positive about the hard work I've been putting in, and instead the reality of those pictures that I took today slapped me in my face and I can't quit crying. Who the hell is that fat girl? I am so disgusted. I am so deflated. I'm TRYING to focus on the fact that I AM making progress, and I AM on track and doing well, but the reality of what I look like at this very moment has crushed my spirit. It fucking sucks.
Had a wonderful Reiki session yesterday. 1 hour long, worked on myself and a friend. (Jersey Girl) It was so relaxing , balancing and loving. I'm going to try to do Reiki at least 20 minutes a day minimum. It is the perfect "me" time. Combined with the gym and making better food choices, I feel so much more centered than I have in a long while. The switch that my brain needs to get healthy stays on when I put myself first.
Will post workout after the gym.
Got to the gym late, had to leave to pick up son from school. Stayed till the very last minute that I could. Biked my ass off.
32 minutes Recumbent bike
7.42 miles
200 calories
RPM 56
I took my before pictures today. I wish I would have taken them 13 days ago when I weighed 225+. Maybe I would have seen a small positive change.
I've been feeling smaller lately, feeling positive about the hard work I've been putting in, and instead the reality of those pictures that I took today slapped me in my face and I can't quit crying. Who the hell is that fat girl? I am so disgusted. I am so deflated. I'm TRYING to focus on the fact that I AM making progress, and I AM on track and doing well, but the reality of what I look like at this very moment has crushed my spirit. It fucking sucks.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Day 12 - 219.0
Saw a new number on the scale today. That felt nice.
I just got back from driving my 16yo daughter to high school.
I'm heading to the gym after I drive 11yo son to elementary school.
Update later.
Just got back from the gym. 11:40am...
I kicked ass and took names today.
Recumbent Bike
35 minutes
7.56 miles
214 caloriess RPM 53
Elliptical
33 minutes
4.56 miles
235 calories
Avg Speed 56
Total of 68 minutes
12.12 miles
449 calories
Heading to shower and then a Reiki session. :)
I just got back from driving my 16yo daughter to high school.
I'm heading to the gym after I drive 11yo son to elementary school.
Update later.
Just got back from the gym. 11:40am...
I kicked ass and took names today.
Recumbent Bike
35 minutes
7.56 miles
214 caloriess RPM 53
Elliptical
33 minutes
4.56 miles
235 calories
Avg Speed 56
Total of 68 minutes
12.12 miles
449 calories
Heading to shower and then a Reiki session. :)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Day 11 - 221.6
Had a rough day yesterday. Don't know why. Ate pizza and ice cream.
Didn't exercise. The old me is trying to beat myself up for it today. The new me says "It's Ok! That's life! Onwards we go!"
So the new me dragged the old me to the gym. I feel better.
43 minutes Elliptical
6.05 miles
310 calories
Avg speed 55
22 minutes Recumbent Bike
4.11 miles
138 calories
Levels 5-10
RPM 51
Didn't exercise. The old me is trying to beat myself up for it today. The new me says "It's Ok! That's life! Onwards we go!"
So the new me dragged the old me to the gym. I feel better.
43 minutes Elliptical
6.05 miles
310 calories
Avg speed 55
22 minutes Recumbent Bike
4.11 miles
138 calories
Levels 5-10
RPM 51
Monday, May 4, 2009
Day 9 - 220.0
Heading to the gym in a bit. Will post workout later.
I've lost 5.6 pounds as of this morning. Pretty good for my first 8 days. :)
I read the Gabriel Method and I'm trying to incorporate it into my every day thinking. I know that if I can change my mind I can change my body.
I'm a Massage Therapist and Reiki practitioner. I know that the mind is what controls us. Tap in to your source, and you can acheive anything.
30 Minutes Elliptical
4.05 miles
205 calories
Avg speed 53
33 minutes Treadmill
2.02 miles
260 calories
I've lost 5.6 pounds as of this morning. Pretty good for my first 8 days. :)
I read the Gabriel Method and I'm trying to incorporate it into my every day thinking. I know that if I can change my mind I can change my body.
I'm a Massage Therapist and Reiki practitioner. I know that the mind is what controls us. Tap in to your source, and you can acheive anything.
30 Minutes Elliptical
4.05 miles
205 calories
Avg speed 53
33 minutes Treadmill
2.02 miles
260 calories
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Day 7 - 221.8
18 minutes Recumbent bike
4.0 miles
100 calories? (Forgot to look)
25 minutes Elliptical
3.0 miles
155 calories
5 wall squats
20 crunches
20 back extension
4.0 miles
100 calories? (Forgot to look)
25 minutes Elliptical
3.0 miles
155 calories
5 wall squats
20 crunches
20 back extension
Friday, May 1, 2009
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